21 Things I Learnt About Sex At 21

Valentine’s Day tends to be a big date for sex bloggers and writers. It’s the time of year when every media outlet wants to write about sex and dating and the time to publish all those fancy gift guides, but I wanted to do something a little different. Valentine’s Day is actually my birthday- I was born to write about sex and love obviously. I’m turning 22 this year, and while that’s still very young, I feel like I’ve learnt a lot since I became sexually active.

I want to celebrate growing older and wiser, so instead of writing a gift guide (although I have written a guide to gifting sex toys last year and a more conventional gift guide recently if that’s more your thing), I thought I would celebrate Valentines Day and no longer being 21 by listing 21 things I’ve learnt about sex by the age of 21!

My sex blogger birthday twin Quinn Rhodes/On Queer Street also wrote a post about the 21 things ze learnt about sex at 21, and you should read that too!

1: I don’t have to have PiV if I don’t want to

This has been a big one. Penis-in-vagina sex is so often thought of as The Sex Act that even though I’ve always known it was something I didn’t particularly care for, I felt like I had to do it. Even in queer circles, when one partner has a vagina and another a penis, the assumption always seems to be that the kind of sex that will happen is PiV. In the last year and a half I’ve really decentred PiV sex- it’s actually been almost two years since I last had PiV sex!- and recently I’ve not even really engaged in vaginal penetration during solo play. And my life is much better for it.

2: I don’t have to settle for not orgasming, but it’s ok if I don’t orgasm every time

I actually didn’t orgasm with a partner for the first two years of having sex! Like, at all. A lot has been written about the cis heterosexual orgasm gap, but very little about the queer orgasm gap, which is a shame I think. There’s a lot that could be unpacked about gendered power and expectations.

On the other hand, I’ve also learned I don’t need to orgasm during partnered sex for that sex to be enjoyable. I self describe as pretty stone with a lot of partners, and I prefer partners who respect that by not trying to make me orgasm when I don’t want to be touched or orgasm.

J-8YC_OrT4ukis2lrl7zvbDDhKP6Pu93PU4WnPQHPxmoInPylfJQqXQHw3WIwW1eU1NFAWImxkIOb-IaTNXn=w1244-h5243: I don’t need to sleep with cis people

Oh my gosh, figuring this out was the best thing I ever did. I’ve written about my preferences for being T4T and dating other trans people multiple times before, but it really is so freeing. I’ve actually found that in the past year or so, my brain legit does not make the switch between ‘this is a person who I guess is nice to look at’ and ‘this is a person I find attractive in a real sense’ until and unless I find out they’re also trans. There are some exceptions, but I’ve only been attracted to exactly one cis person in the past year.

4: STIs aren’t the end of the world

I blame secondary school sex ed for this one. My experience of sexual education very much heavily leaned into ‘don’t have unprotected sex, you will get this horrible disease’. There is a huge stigma around STIs, and it’s one I’ve had to unlearn. As I wrote in my STI Testing 101 post, having an STI does not make a person ‘dirty’ or ‘unclean’. It’s also very common to have an STI- 1 in 2 sexually active people contract an STI by the age of 25! While I haven’t ever had a positive result on an STI test, I feel like I would be able to cope with a positive result much better than if I got one a few years ago.

5: I have a right to decide what risks I’ll take, and a responsibility to know what those risks are

I’m generally a harm reductionist when it comes to everything, from drug use to safe sex. I fully believe that every person has the right to decide what they consider an unreasonable risk with sex- for some this might mean no sex with risk of pregnancy without condoms, for others this might mean no oral sex during herpes outbreaks. At the same time, everyone has a responsibility to make themselves informed about the decisions they’re making. If somebody doesn’t want to use barrier methods, they have a responsibility to negate this risk in other ways and/or communicate this risk to their partners, so that these partners can also make an informed choice.

In my case, I generally use condoms on toys I share with multiple people, get an STI screening every 3 months, use dental dams or condoms for oral sex if anyone I’m sleeping with has an outbreak, take PrEP, and use gloves when fisting people.

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6: Strap-on sex is the bomb, even solo

Strap-on sex is so good and I am so glad to be able to take part in it. My favourite harness and dildo combo is the SpareParts Joque and the Pleasure Works First Mate, fyi.

7: It’s ok to take breaks from sex!

People have other things going on in their lives. Sometimes you just don’t feel emotionally ready for partnered sex, sometimes libidos change, sometimes you just don’t have enough time. There’s a huge number of reasons why somebody might want to not have sex for a while, and taking a step back from sex during this time period is nothing to be ashamed of.

8: Sometimes desires change, and that’s ok

I don’t want the same things I once wanted. I used to be a bottom for one! What I like now might not be what I always like, and that’s ok too. There is no constant state of the self, and that’s beautiful

9: I don’t have to be monogamous, just as I don’t have to be polyamorous

I’m still in the process of working out what relationship model works for me, but I’ve at least got comfortable with the fact I don’t have to fit into one of two boxes. While I’m not going to pretend that there’s a social pressure towards polyamory in general society, I do think there can be a significant amount of pressure towards polyamory in queer and trans circles, and that this pressure did just as much a number on me as overall societal pressure towards monogamy.

I don’t think either relationship model really works for me fully, but I know what I want out of my relationships. I know that I need to feel cared about and committed to in serious relationships, and for the most part fully polyamorous situations have not made me feel that way. I’m more flexible with other forms of non-monogamy and I think I have a preference for even serious relationships being sexually open- if I was older, married, and not strictly T4T I could see myself being in local swingers circles.

EPnSm4qWoAA2fvF10: Fisting is not as scary as people think it is

When I mention being a fister to people, their reaction is often one of shock. While I have Opinions on this, I can understand it to an extent too. Fisting has a reputation as an ‘extreme’ kind of sex, and I was intimidated by it for a long time. But having actually done it quite a bit, I can say it is nowhere near as terrifying as baby me thought.

11: I prefer having a core number of friends with benefits or fuckbuddies than hooking up with new people

While I did think about having a “slut phase” after a big breakup last year, my plans kinda fell through. I think this is due to the fact it takes a lot of specifics for me to feel safe and comfortable having sex with somebody and takes me time to build up from having sex with somebody for the first time to doing more specific or intense kinds of sex or play. Having fuckbuddies who I see over a long period of time works far better for me than one off hookups.

12: I don’t have to have everything figured out now!

Sex blogging and engaging with other sex bloggers has been really great for this. There’s a huge variety amongst sex bloggers in terms of preferences, relationship styles, and ages. Seeing people with a few decades on me writing about still finding themselves or living their best life- be that through using sex machines, or going to a swingers club, or writing smut for the first time, or anything else- makes me feel far more ok with not having figured myself out yet. I have time!

13: I DO actually like porn. I’m just fussy

As a teenager, I thought I didn’t like porn at all. From what I had access to (on tube sites mind you, which are not great) straight porn seemed very formulaic and straight-male centric, and I found gay porn uncomfortable because I hadn’t fully come to terms with my attraction to men or being a queer man. But as I’ve gained disposable income and access to pay-for porn, I’ve found out it really was a genre issue rather than a medium issue. I really love queer porn with transmasculine people, which I tend to watch through CrashPad.

14: It’s ok that I want bottom surgery

This one is very complicated and personal, and I don’t think I can sum up my feelings around it in a snappy paragraph. Good thing I wrote a whole piece on it a while back then.

15: Sex can be ‘imperfect’ and still good

In fantasy, sex is perfect. There’s no slightly mistimed thrusts, or having to pull out because of pain, or runaway hairs that need to be unceremoniously plucked out of your mouth. But real life is not fantasy, and it’s messy and imperfect and human and beautiful.

16: My partners will not notice the “flaws” I perceive in my body

I have a lot of self confidence issues, partly as a result of growing up as the ‘ugly kid’ at school, partly because of a history of eating disorders, and partly because of the body pressure of being both a queer man and a trans man. I perceive a lot of flaws in my body, and at times it has made navigating sex very difficult for me. It’s only recently that it really has started to sink in that it’s ok that my body doesn’t look like a model. Nobody will likely care that I have a bit of a tummy, or that I have stretch marks, or that my clavicles aren’t prominent (yes, this is something I was self conscious about for a long time!), because they are attracted to me and there for me.

17: Talking to partners about kinks is not as scary as I feared

Your milage may very much vary on this, but I’ve got a lot better at talking to partners about my desires and kinks. Even for my more ‘out there’ kinks there’s been acceptance if not enthusiasm, and I’ve got a lot more confident at talking as a result.

18: Other transmasculine people are hot as fuck

This is a slightly lighter one that most of the others, but I’ve recently come to recognise (at the moment) I have a very strong preference for other transmasculine people. It’s partly that at the moment I’m leaning more towards masculinity in others anyway, but there’s also something beautiful about loving my own body through loving those with similar bodies to mine.

19: The more people involved, the more management needs to take place

This one seems obvious in hindsight, but it took me time to figure it out through trial and error. In a threesome, you don’t just add one more dynamic to the dynamic of a couple, you have four dynamics that need to work well- one between A and B, one between B and C, one between C and A, and one between A, B, and C. It’s like sharing a flat with other people, where the more people you add the more complicated relationship management get. Seriously, swinger couples have their work cut out for them!

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20: I actually DO like looking at myself in the mirror!

This is one I’ve only really realised in the past couple of months through working on a burlesque performance and practicing in a dance studio, but I much prefer looking at myself in a mirror over looking at pictures of myself. For a long time, I avoided having mirrors in my room, because I was worried about looking at myself, but recently I attached a mirror to the back of my bedroom door, and it feels wonderful.

21: Sometimes the best lover is yourself

This seems like another very obvious one, especially as somebody who gets part of their income from masturbating on the internet. But it’s only now, having settled into a good housing situation and having a lot of solo time if I want it, that I’ve started to explore being my own lover rather than just having a quick wank. Going on dates by myself- be that to mocktail bars, or art galleries, or even just having a nice long bath at home- has made me feel way more comfortable with myself, and really helped me on a journey to genuine self love.

 

What have been the most important things you’ve discovered about sex?


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