The ZALO Bess is frustrating to review, because in so many ways it’s really good. It’s actually replaced my Tango X as my bedside vibrator, the shape makes it easier to integrate into partnered sex, and the Ancient Egypt inspired stylings are gorgeous. And that makes all the bizarre design choices seem even more bizarre.
ZALO
ZALO are a sex toy company that I’ve been aware of for a long while, even if I haven’t actually owned any of their toys until now. My main association with their brand is absolutely gorgeous designs, with collections inspired by and centred around a particular theme. In the past, that’s included the Rococo-inspired Versailles and storybook-inspired Sweet Magic collections, and they’ve now been joined by the Ancient Egypt themed Legend series. This collection includes a thrusting vibrator (the King Twitch), clitoral vibrator (the Hero), wand vibrator (the Kyro, which I’ll also be reviewing), pinpoint clitoral vibrator (the Bess) and a g-spot and air pulsation toy (the Queen G), all available in a variety of jewel tones.
However, while I did associate ZALO with wonderful visual design, I’ve also heard over the years that their vibrators’ power can be a bit… lacking. While there’s nothing wrong with gentler vibrations, I personally need quite rumbly vibrations to actually be able to orgasm with a vibrator. While I’m not above buying things for their cute value, I generally avoid asking for review products I expect that I won’t like. That said, I had heard that the vibrations in the Legend series were a marked improvement on those in ZALO’s past collections, including from fellow reviewers whose opinions I really trust. When HoneySx (who, as a warning, do gender their toy categories and carry some white label toys with dubious material safety) asked if I wanted to review any toys from their catalogue, I figured it was worth giving ZALO a shot.
The ZALO Bess
The ZALO Bess is essentially ZALO’s take on the Zumio (which I now have a deep-seated need to try/review), using what my partner very unsexily describes as an electric toothbrush shape for exceptionally pinpoint clitoral stimulation. Unlike the Zumio, the Bess comes with a series of silicone attachments—one shaped like a ball, another petal shaped, and a third that allows the Bess to be adapted for g-spot stimulation—and actually has a motor in the handle, which (theoretically at least—more on that in a second) allows it to be used as an insertable vibrator.
At first, the Bess’ name seemed a little odd given the Egyptian theming, but turns out it’s a reference to the goddess Bast/Bastet, who generally became associated with domesticity and related spheres, although she did have a past as a war goddess and was sometimes seen as an aspect of the lioness war goddess Sekhmet[ref]It’s a bit more complicated than that, but I also recognise my interest as an Egyptian-mythology-child-slash-lapsed-archaeologist is not universal, and will leave it there[/ref].
While there’s not a huge amount that’s Bastet specific in the Bess’ design, the box does have artwork of her. And it’s absolutely gorgeous artwork and packaging—all black except for metallic gold linework, magnetic hinges, and including a storage bag and warranty card. It felt so luxurious to open. And the Bess itself looks like a luxury toy, the gold ABS collar below the Bess’ antenna popping against the jewel toned green silicone.
One big caveat I want to give up front is I only use the Bess as much as I do because I have very specific preferences. I like pinpoint vibrations, and though I’ve been very happy with the We-Vibe Tango and Tango X previously, the Bess is even more pinpoint than either of them. I have tried using the attachments the Bess comes with, I prefer using it without any because there’s no muffling of the vibrations or spreading them out to a broader area. I also pretty much exclusively use the Bess on the highest steady setting, unless I’m specifically using it with the intention of getting myself aroused and not wanting to orgasm.
With the context of those preferences and in those particular ways though? The Bess is really good, or at least works really well for me. It even one-ups the Tango X in ways I didn’t expect—the long handle and small size mean I find it much easier to use one handed than the Tango X. This is fantastic for things like being able to scroll down or turn a page while reading erotica, adjust the volume listening to audio/video porn, or anally finger myself while using a vibrator. It also works really well for oral sex for me. As seems to be the case with everything, I’m very particular about receiving oral sex. I find it really difficult to orgasm from just a partner giving me head (exactly two people have ever made it happen, and neither could do it reliably), and while (dysphoria aside) I do like the sensation of having my t-dick sucked, if that’s the only kind of stimulation it can feel a bit… boring. I generally prefer oral sex when it’s lot of mixed stimulation over my genitals and/or ass combined with me using a vibrator on myself. While the Tango X (among many external vibrators tbh) works fine for this, the chunky shape and the fact I generally need two hands to place it correctly (I have one specific spot on the underside of my t-dick that really works) mean there’s some limitations on both positioning and where my partner can touch.
But the fact that the Bess worked so well in these particular ways doesn’t mean I don’t have a bunch of bones to pick with it. And it has some weird design choices. The most egregious to me is that whole handle thing I mentioned earlier. There are two buttons on the Bess—the controls for which aren’t intuitive—and while one cycles the Bess’ head through its patterns (more on that in a sec), the other does the same for the motor in the handle. Not only is this motor really weak, but there’s no real way to actually use the Bess internally without also inserting the magnetic charging point and leaving the buttons inaccessible. The Bess is only splashproof rather than waterproof, so on top of being a bizarre choice, it’s also extremely difficult to clean after doing this. I really don’t know what ZALO was thinking when including this feature, and the fact it takes up one of the buttons has a rolling negative impact on the Bess.
Using one of the two buttons for this unnecessary handle motor means there’s only a single button to control the Bess’ head. While I am not completely against one button vibrators—the original Tango only had one button and I still adored mine—the Bess doesn’t have the excuse of a lack of space. It would have been easy to move to a three button system—like that on the Kyro from the same collection—with one controlling pattern and two up/down buttons to control intensity, especially if space wasn’t taken up by the handle motor button. Hell, the Tango X manages to do it with less space for buttons. But with the single button control, I’m left having to cycle through all five patterns and two lower speeds to get to the setting I actually want (the most intense steady speed) because, for some reason, ZALO decided to have the steady speeds between patterns. The Bess is the only toy I’ve ever had that’s done this, and I absolutely hate it.
Overall
The ZALO Bess is so, so close to being the perfect vibrator for me, and that just makes me even more mad about the things that don’t work. Is ‘I think this toy is visually beautiful, it matches up with a lot of my preferences and I use it all the time, but I also hate a lot of things about it and don’t recommend it’ a conclusion I can reasonably make? If ZALO made just a few little adjustments to the Bess, it would be truly excellent, but as it stands it just left me thinking ‘I want this… but better’. I will absolutely continue to use my Bess until it dies and/or I find that better version of it, but I’m going to be incredibly mad about it the entire time.
The ZALO Bess was sent to me by HoneySx, in exchange for a fair and impartial review. No affiliate links were used in this review.
