The Zumio E is a toy I was confident I would love. During my ZALO Bess review, I mentioned multiple times that where the Bess was good, it just made me want to try the Zumio. I was so, so sure that the Zumio would be a winner—no, more than that, I was sure that Zumio would be the vibrator to end all vibrators for me. And you know, maybe it’s on me for expecting so much, but my takeaway from my first time with the Zumio E was ‘hmm. That was… something’.
After using it many, many more times, I think I’ve isolated what it was that didn’t quite make the Zumio E work for me, what parts of it I do think are really worth praising, and what features I think that One Perfect Vibrator for me out there will need.
Rotation vs Vibration
I’ve talked about the Zumio E as a vibrator (and I will tag and describe it as such for organisational purposes on this blog), but technically speaking it rotates rather that vibrates—the tip moves in a oval shape (some other Zumio models move more circularly) rather than vibrating back and forth. This has an impact on the toy as a whole in a bunch of ways, and according to some marketing copy I found, is more like how people use their hands to masturbate than it is a vibrator.
The Zumio E vs Zumio X and Zumio S and Zumio I
The Zumio E is generally quite similar to the other Zumio models (X, S, and I which I only realised during the review writing process spell SEXI and I now find hilarious), with slightly different head shapes and a couple having slightly different rotation patterns. The S has broader stimulation, the E more pinpoint, the I more diffuse, and the X more concentrated. These are all relative though—all the Zumio models are relatively pinpoint. They also all cost the same—$135—and have a three button setup— an on button, a button that increases intensity, and one that decreases it. They also—wildly, given the state of the sex toy industry—do not have patterns. Iconic, I hope more companies start doing this and vindicate me, a known vibration pattern hater.
My Experience With the Zumio E
Ok, so now that we’ve talked about what the Zumio E is and isn’t, let’s discuss why I don’t think it works for me.
Earlier, I mentioned that the Zumios’ rotation means they’re a bit closer to how people masturbate using fingers than the average vibrator. There’s a couple of problems here for me though. The first is that I actually don’t masturbate by hand if I can help it, and even at the best of times I have always struggled to orgasm using hands alone. While the Zumio E does move a lot faster than a finger ever could, it gets slowed down if I apply any pressure to it. I can orgasm with it—I even occasionally have the sub-60 second orgasms the marketing copy advertises, although I am also a person with a testosterone dominant endocrine system and can come in under 2 minutes with a lot of vibrators. But I don’t actually really feel anything at all until I orgasm. It’s a really odd experience, because it’s normally actually a pretty good orgasm too, it just happens with no build up, and then afterwards it doesn’t feel like I’ve even had an orgasm, not even in the rest of my genitals and even though I exclusively use it on the highest setting.
I’m sure there’s somebody reading this and going ‘um, but that sounds ideal, why are you complaining?’. And I can’t quite articulate why this doesn’t work for me, especially as I am not generally a ‘needs buildup to sex/masturbation person’ (see again: testosterone dominant endocrine system). I guess I just… maybe like vibrations? I like feeling them in places that aren’t just being directly touched. I like the way rumbly vibrations feel deep and far reaching, and even if stimulation isn’t directly getting me off, I like feeling it? I suppose that makes sense given how I tend to have partnered sex—as well as struggling to orgasm using hands, I struggle to orgasm from oral sex at all, but I still—if the stars are right[ref](Aka neither my dysphoria nor body images issues nor trauma are playing up)[/ref]—can enjoy the sensation of receiving oral sex. My working theory is that I like the Bess more than the Zumio E because it gives me more of that—stimulation that’s not related to getting off but feels nice.
Overall
So where does this leave us? I honestly feel a bit bad for the Zumio E not working for me, because on paper I was pretty sure it was going to be my sex toy soulmate. If it was technically a vibrator rather than rotating, I do think it might have been that soulmate, but as it is I think it gives me orgasms that are just too empty feeling. I do respect its ability to get me off quickly… but I am also somebody who gets off quickly in general—the Zumio E might do it in under a minute, but the Bess sometimes only takes two, and I generally personally consider an orgasm that takes more than four minutes of stimulation to be slow for me. The benefit of time doesn’t lift as much weight with me as it might somebody else, and the orgasms the Zumio E leaves me with just are just fundamentally not as enjoyable as the ones a conventional vibrator would.
This product was sent to me by Zumio, in return for a fair and impartial review. No affiliate links were used in this post.
