Note: All information and opinions in this post come from my personal experiences, both as a trans man who really likes topping for strap-on sex in my personal life and as a worker at a sex shop who really likes guiding people through choosing strap-on harnesses and toys. I am not the be-all-end-all of strap-on knowledge.
Strap-ons are a really old kind of sex toy- there’s evidence of them being used in the Ancient Greek world, with some people even suggesting artefacts from the Upper Paleolithic are ancient strap-ons. But strap-on play has become a lot more mainstream and talked about in the recent past, particularly notably amongst cisgender m/f couples. Because of this, I thought it would be worth writing a 101 guide to strap-ons.
Strap-ons can be used by people of all genders, bodies, and sexual orientations for any number of reasons. While, historically strap-ons have been associated with cisgender lesbians, people with any kind of body and any gender identity can use a strap-on with partners with any kind of body and any gender identity. I don’t have a huge amount of advice for people with penises who want to use strap-on harnesses, so I’d recommend checking out this AutoStraddle guide to Harnesses For Trans Women if it’s relevant.
Skip to Section:
- How Do I Choose A Strap-On Harness?
- How Do I Choose A Strap-On Dildo?
- How Do I Have Strap-on Sex?
- What Do I Need to Know About Safe Strap-On Sex?
How Do I Choose A Strap-On Harness?
There are several factors to take into consideration when choosing a strap-on harness beyond style. Are you going to be using the harness with more than one partner? Are you and your partner/s going to be sharing this harness? Are you planning on thrusting vigorously? Are you vegan? How big is the dildo you’re planning on using the harness with? What makes you feel sexy?
If you’re planning on using a harness with multiple people who aren’t fluid bonded, harnesses made of machine washable materials might suit you better. If multiple people want to wear the same harness, two-strap harnesses can offer more flexibility. For those who are more rough with their play, fabric harnesses may stretch out and have a shorter lifespan than leather ones. If you’re vegan, you might want to avoid leather. For heavier and larger dildo, two-strap harnesses offer more stability. And what makes you feel sexy is incredibly personal- I find two-strap harnesses make me feel way more sexy than underwear style harnesses, but I know plenty of people for who the reverse is true.
Strap-on harnesses can be fit into four broad categories: underwear style harnesses, two-strap (or jock-strap style) harnesses, one strap (or thong style) harnesses, and harnesses for other parts of the body.
Underwear Harnesses
SpareParts Sasha // EM.EX Active Harness Briefs // SpareParts Tomboii
Underwear style harnesses are, as the name suggests, harnesses that look like underwear. There’s a whole range of personal styles and presentations catered to in the types of underwear harnesses on offer. While I tend to go for more masculine styles feminine styles are also available, like the SpareParts Sasha or Bella harnesses.
Underwear style harnesses are easier to put on than other styles, as they’re strap free. As they’re fabric, they’re more easily washable between partners than leather harnesses. Additionally, as this style of harness tends to be less bulky than strap based harnesses, they’re more suited to everyday soft packing than other styles.
However, because they come with an O-ring sewn into the underwear, underwear harnesses are limited in terms of what size dildos they can hold. They also offer less support than strap-based harnesses, so are less suited to larger or heavier dildos. As they’re not adjustable, two people with different body shapes and sizes may find it difficult to find an underwear style harness that fits them both.
Two-Strap Harnesses
Aslan Leather Jag Harness // SpareParts Joque // Sh! Thick Leather Classic Harness
Two-strap harnesses are also known as jock style harnesses, as they resemble jock straps in form. They’re fully adjustable, and so are more easily shared between people. As they tend to have interchangeable O-rings (with some exceptions), they can work with a larger variety of toy sizes than underwear style harnesses.
However, two-strap harnesses can be difficult to put or or adjust. Some people may also find that they feel exposed in a two-strap harness. Two-strap harnesses are bulkier than underwear style harnesses, so are less suited to everyday packing.
One-Strap Harnesses
Aslan G Harness // Sh! Thong Harness // SpareParts Theo
One-strap harnesses resemble thongs, with one strap running between the wearer’s legs. This strap can offer stimulation to the wearer’s genitals or butt, and one-strap harnesses tend to be less bulky than two-strap harnesses.
Other Harnesses
WRAP STRAP // Glory Harness // Sh! Leather Thigh Harness
There’s a strap-on harness for every body part you can think of. The classic non-crotch strap-on harness is the thigh harness- check out the Sportsheets Strap-On Thigh Harness and Sh! Leather Thigh Harness. But it doesn’t end there. There’s hand harnesses, boot harnesses, and still more styles beyond that.
How Do I Choose A Strap-On Dildo?
There’s a whole new set of questions when it comes to picking a dildo for your strap-on harness. Do you want a realistic dildo, a non-representational one, or a fantasy one? How thick a dildo can the person bottoming take? Do you want a curve or a straight shaft?
When it comes to strap-on dildos, I’d always recommending going for longer dildos than you would for non strap-on use. Some of the length of the toy will be lost in the harness and some between your bodies (particularly if you’re plus size) so err on the long side. This doesn’t mean go thick though- the partner being penetrated doesn’t have to take the whole length of the dildo, but they will have to take the girth.
Whatever dildo you choose, make sure your dildo is made out of a non-porous and body safe material. My suggestion would be sticking with silicone dildos, especially if you’re new to strap-on sex, as silicone is softer than other non-porous materials.
Non-Representational Dildos
Cupid 3 // Fun Factory Amor // NoFrilldo G
The Cupid 3 is the dildo I point people to most in person. There’s enough of a curve on the Cupid 3 for g-spot or prostate stimulation, without being too intense. The rounded tip makes for easy insertion, and while the bulges on the shaft may look subtle, they feel less subtle in use.
The Fun Factory Amor was actually the first dildo I ever owned, although since gone walkabout thanks to a shitty ex-flatmate. It’s definitely on the small side, with a 1.4-inch diameter and only 5 inches insertable length (some of which you will lose in the harness or between bodies). The curve is nice and gentle, and while it won’t provide g-spot or prostate stimulation, I’ve enjoyed it for softer and less targeted stimulation.
Finally, the NoFrilldo G is a slim and affordable option for those who want g-spot or prostate stimulation.
Realistic Dildos
Pleasure Works First Mate // Avant P8 // Vixen Mustang
I’ve made no secret of the fact I love the Pleasure Works First Mate. Over 2 years and countless dildo review since I first received it, it’s still my favourite dildo to strap on. It’s dual density, and is available in skin tones, purple, or black. One caveat I would add is that the First Mate is not small, and if you prefer smaller toys it’s probably not the one for you.
While it’s not realistic in terms of colour, the Avant P8 Bi Pride Dildo is semi-realistic in terms of form. It has a pretty slim diameter (the circumference is just under 5”) but plenty of length (7.5”). While it’s not dual density, it makes up for that by being a lot more affordable than some of the other dildos listed here
The Vixen Mustang isn’t cheap, but it combines an excellent shape for g-spotting or prostate stimulation with the most plush dual density silicone I’ve ever felt.
Double Ended/ “Strapless” Dildos
Fun Factory Share // Vixen Peacemaker // Doc Johnson Gal-Pal
I’m only briefly touching on these kinds of dildos, as I don’t have a huge amount of experience with them myself. Often marketed as “strapless” strap-on dildos, this kind of dildo has a bulb that the strap-on top wears inside their vagina, with a longer end that can be used to penetrate the strap-on bottom. These kinds of dildos give a little more sensation to the wearer than traditional strap-on dildos, and some people may find them less intrusive than wearing a dildo in a harness.
However, as the bulb has to be kept in with the wearer’s pelvic muscles, they are a lot more difficult to control. If sensation is the main appeal a double ended dildo, you can wear it in a harness for more stability.
Because of my lack of experience with “strapless” dildos (I’ve only used two different models, both of which are listed here), I don’t want to make any specific model recommendations. However, I will point you to some articles and posts other sex toy bloggers have written about double ended strap-ons.
Article recs:
- Why I don’t like strapless strap-on dildos (Hey Epiphora)
- Toy Review: The Tantus Realdoe Slim (Emmeline Peaches)
How Do I Have Strap-On Sex?
Now that you’ve got both your harness and dildo, the next step is actually getting down to it and actually having strap-on sex, right?
I’d actually recommend the person who’s going to wear the strap-on get used to having their dildo/dick (feel free to use whatever language feels right for you) attached to them before attempting to have sex with it. Get comfortable with both the harness and dildo- get used to fitting the harness on and off, figure out the best way to fit a dildo into your harness, and get used to the way it feels to have a dildo strapped on. For some people, this experience can be emotionally intense- I had a bit of a gender feelings related cry the first time I wore a strap-on like this- but for some people it isn’t at all. Either is totally normal and fine.
There are as many ways of having sex with a strap-on as there are ways to have sex without a strap-on. Maybe you want to penetrate your partner’s vagina or anus, maybe you want to receive a strap-on blowjob, maybe you want to bend your partner over, maybe you want your partner to ride you. Whatever kind of strap-on sex you’re having, there’s a few constants that are always worth bearing in mind.
Take It Slow
It’s very easy to become overenthusiastic with strap-on sex, and I’ve definitely been guilty of this in the past. Hard pounding can be uncomfortable for receptive partners at the best of times, and as strap-on tops can’t feel their dildo/dick, it can way more difficult to judge. Another reason to take things slow is that if you’re not used to thrusting during sex, using a strap-on for the first time can involve learning how to use a whole new set of muscles.
If the position you start in isn’t working, the top’s hips get tired, or you simply want to experiment, try out different positions. One thing to remember is that for both g-spot stimulation during vaginal penetration and prostate stimulation during anal penetration, you want the curve of your dildo/dick to go towards the bottom’s stomach.
Use Lube
I’m a lube stan all of the time and that includes during strap-on play. This is especially the case for strap-on play that involves anal play, as the anus doesn’t self lubricate. Make sure that you pick a water based lube if you’re using silicone toys for strap-on play, and go for a thicker lube if you’re doing anal. I wrote a whole guide to lube, but if you want some quick fire recommendations I’d suggest: Sutil Rich for vaginal play, and Sliquid Sassy for both anal and vaginal play.
Communicate
Again, this is something that should be present in all your sex, but it’s especially important when you and your partner/s are trying out new things. Plan the strap-on session in advance with your partner, and maintain clear and open communication with your partner.
Become OK With Imperfection
Most people’s first times having sex are awkward and imperfect, and that extends to people’s first times having different kinds of sex. Like when trying anything new in the bedroom, there’s a lot of things that can happen during strap-on sex that don’t fit with the ideal fantasy strap on sex. The top might get tired, either partner may not orgasm, the harness might need readjusting, you might need to take a break. It’s totally ok for all or any of these things to happen!
For what it’s worth, my first experience having anal sex was incredibly awkward. My partner hadn’t prepped for anal and I, being an awkward teenager, freaked out about a bit of poop getting on my dildo. But I got older, stopped freaking out about poop during anal, and now really enjoy strap-on sex. Things do get better!
What Do I Need to Know About Safe Strap-On Sex?
STIs can be transmitted on sex toys, which is part of why it’s so important to make sure your strap-on dildo isn’t porous. Porous materials like PVC and “jelly” rubber can’t be sanitised, so sharing toys made of these materials can both transmit STIs between partners, and reinfect somebody once they’ve been treated for an STI.
Even with non-porous toys, unclean toys can potentially transmit STIs. To prevent this, clean your toys between uses, and sanitise them between partners. While toy cleaner does exist, non-scented soap and warm water will also do the trick. You can also sanitise toys without a motor by boiling them for 3 to 4 minutes.
I tried to research if leather harnesses can be properly sanitised, but after having a good Google, asking some older leather folk I know, and asking the sex nerds who follow me on Twitter the answer was a total ‘??’. Because of this uncertainty, it might not be a great idea to use the same leather harness with multiple partners within a short period of time if these partners aren’t fluid bonded.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t clean or take care of your leather harnesses. Leather needs taking care of, and that includes leather in harnesses. As leather doesn’t self moisturise, it also needs conditioning each time it’s washed to avoid the leather becoming brittle. I’d suggest using a saddle soap rather than dish or hand soaps, which tend to be harsher. I personally use Bickmore Saddle Soap and Leather Honey, but I’m not brand loyal- find a combo that’s accessible to you and works for you!
This post was not sponsored. Affiliate links were used in this post
