One of my favourite things to do is create little ‘X as Y’ lists and threads, where Y is either sex toys in general or a specific kind of sex toy that I like, and X is something I think is fun or cool. I normally do this over on Twitter or by just annoying the nerds who’ve made the bad decisions of being friends with me, but this time I wanted to actually write it down as a blog post. Mostly because it’s fun, but also because I want to see if this very self indulgent content is the kind of thing literally anyone else on the planet wants to read.
As the title suggests, this post is me matching metal subgenres to the strap-on harnesses that I own. This isn’t going to cover every subgenre there is out there, because I (very sadly) do not own that many strap-on harnesses. If I’ve missed your favourite subgenre, you are very welcome to send me money to buy the harness that I think matches it.
Heavy Metal: Sh! Classic Strap-on Harness
On the first entry, we’re already getting into disputes about what ‘counts’ as a type of metal. Some people argue that heavy metal (or trad metal, or classic metal, or traditional heavy metal) is more a lack of subgenre than one in itself. I don’t think I would agree with this— in my opinion, if heavy metal didn’t have a distinct sound, we wouldn’t have had the mid/late 70s new wave of British heavy metal (NWOBHM), or 00s to present new wave of traditional heavy metal (NWOTHM), both of which I am also including under the umbrella term ‘heavy metal’ for the purposes of this post.
I couldn’t not pair the classic sound with the classic lines of the Sh! Classic Strap-on Harness. It fits aesthetically too, with the thick black leather straps and silver hardware. (The leather harness doesn’t seem to be stock, but there is a rubber alternative which, imo, also fits the old school cool vibes). It’s not the most comfortable of my harnesses, but if I want to walk about at a play party (where I’m wearing clothes) feeling cool and sexy and masculine, it’s the one I go to.
Symphonic Metal: Sh! Super-Strap On Harness
Symphonic metal was actually my gateway into metal in general— I listened to Within Temptation at aged 12 and had my life changed. Symphonic metal is another really broad subgenre, consisting of bands that use elements of classical music.
The Sh! Super-Strap On Harness is softer, easier to wear, and more comfortable than the Sh! Classic Strap-On Harness, and while it might not be as striking, I have a stronger personal fondness for it. Just as I reach for Mother Earth or Wishmaster if I want an easy listening day that’s still good, if I want a comfy leather harness that makes me feel sexy, I reach for the Sh! Super-Strap On Harness. Symphonic metal also does tend to lean towards female vocalists quite a bit, and one of my main concerns with the Sh! Super-Strap On Harness was that it might be a bit too femme for my tastes. But there are male fronted symphonic metal bands (I like Northern Kings a normal, completely not-embarassing amount, for the record), and the Sh! Super-Strap On Harness does me feel hot and masc, so there.
Thrash Metal: SpareParts Joque
Thrash is—as the name suggests—fast and angry and loud. It evolved from taking the NWOBHM sound, but adding in hardcore punk speed and aggression. The ‘Big Four’ of thrash are Metallica, Slayer, Megadeath, and Anthrax, if that gives you an idea of the vibes.
I honestly personally don’t tend to specifically seek out thrash metal, but I do love it when thrash elements make it into the sound of artists I already listen to. A thrash artist I specifically listen to is Hallow’s Eve though (and only a little bit because the guy on the Tales of Terror album cover is extremely Gender to me).
As to why I’m pairing Thrash Metal with the SpareParts Joque… honestly I cannot justify this other than vibes. I suppose if I’m reaching, I could point to the fact that if I’m pounding quickly with a strap-on, I’m probably going to use the Joque, because it feels super secure (and I’m probably utilising the fact it’s machine washable for hookup reasons). But honestly, the vibes just feel right.
Doom Metal: SpareParts Tomboi
So despite being paired with my favourite strap-on harness, doom metal is… not my favourite genre of metal. But I do like it, and I think the two are a good match. Doom metal tends to have slowed down tempos, a slower, thicker sound, and lyrics that are more… well, doom-focused. Some faves of mine are Conan (no idea if intentional or not, but their Volt Thrower video gives off big Ralph Bakshi’s LOTR vibes), and The Sword (although their later work is less doom-y). Also check out Witchfinder General for proto-doom.
Ngl, a good reason I’ve put the Tomboi as Doom is that I tend to listen to doom metal the most when I want to relax, strange as that sounds. And when I want to relax, the last thing I want to do is dick about with straps and fastenings. If I am gonna strap-on it’s gonna be with the very easy to put on Tomboi.
Power Metal: Aslan Jaguar
Power metal is another one of those metal subgenres that’s very vibes based. More fast than NWOBHM but more melodic than thrash, lots of clean and operatic vocals (which I adore), lots of fantasy themes. Some examples here are Rhapsody, Kamelot (although they’re also a bit symphonic), and Helloween. And some personal faves of mine are Visigoth, Falconer, Manilla Road, and Helloween. Also Dragonforce, Powerwolf, and Battle Beast, because it’s 2022 and cringe is dead.
I feel like I have to justify this one given power metal is my favourite metal genre and the last time I talked about the Aslan Jag it was in mid terms. But! The Aslan Jag has grown on me since I received it. It’s very much a harness I have to wear with the double-up cuff to avoid too much vulva exposure (my gender dysphoria cannot deal with my pussy being out if I’m topping, for whatever reason), or even over a jockstrap if I’m having a particularly bad day. But I’ve warmed on it, especially since buying a chain chest harness from my local leather store that pairs with it fantastically.
I think the chest harness is an important part of the equation here, because it feels like camp masc/bear camp/butch camp, especially when combined with the Aslan Jag. And listen, a solid 70% of the appeal of power metal to me is the campness of the entire thing. While I don’t go for parody bands (Alestrom doesn’t do anything for me, sorry), I do love my power metal to be at least a bit hammy.
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