In the past month and a bit, I’ve finally started making my way back onto the adult dating scene. It’s been a while- I didn’t date between a really impactful breakup in July and late December- but while I’ve historically really disliked online dating, I’ve actually been having a really good time! That was surprising for me, but having sat down and thought about my feelings, I think I can sum up the differences between my dating experiences at the moment and my past ones.
1: I know what I want and I make it clear
So a while back, I read a really fantastic essay on being a good bottom. While I’m not a bottom myself there’s a lot of excellent advice in that essay, not least that to get what you want, you have to know what you want and actually ask for it. It seems such a simple and obvious thing, but from the embarrassingly long time it took me to work past the ‘I’ll take anything that somebody wants to give me if I like them’ stage, I know it isn’t.
While the ways in which this applies are more obvious when talking about sex dating as opposed to dating dating, it applies to both! I know, for example, that I don’t like being in serious romantic relationships with more than one person at a time, but that I like sexually open romantic relationships and I’m open to very casual dating with multiple people. I’m politically left wing and interested in partners with similar political views to me, and I want to date somebody with some interests in common with me. These are all things I’m super explicit about on my dating app profiles.
On hookup and cruising apps, I’m clear about what I want even if it’s in a different way. I say that I don’t like being penetrated by my sex partners but I don’t mind power dynamics going either way, that I really like topping for strap-on play and fisting, and that I like being a sadistic D-type. And of course, for both hookup and dating apps, I mention that I’m T4T.
Being specific about what I like definitely means less people interact with me, but in the long run, those were people I wasn’t going to be compatible with anyway!
2: I make the first move
Making the first move can be super scary, and it’s something I avoided for a long time. Putting yourself out there means you’re making yourself vulnerable, and the fear that it’s going to go badly can be pretty intense. But when I wasn’t the person making the first move, I noticed that that didn’t mean the other person was making the first move either- there just wasn’t a first move at all. Eventually I gathered up my courage and started to message first… and I found it wasn’t so bad after all!
As a disclaimer, I’m a queer trans person who dates other queer trans people, and I don’t know if this pattern applies to other demographics, but I have so many more conversations on apps and websites now compared to when I was too nervous to do it.
That’s not to say that all first moves are made equal. A cut and paste first message doesn’t cut it- I always reference something in somebody’s profile. Maybe it’s on a cruising/hookup app and they’ve mentioned a particular kink, or it’s on a dating site and they’ve mentioned a particular TV show they like. Either way I make that first message something that I couldn’t send to just anyone else.
3- I use apps to date and cruise- not for validation!
Dating and hookup apps can seem tempting as a quick and easy way to get a confidence boost and I’ve definitely used them that way in the past. But when I sat down to look at myself and my behaviours, I realised looking for validation on dating and hookup apps was just making myself miserable. Being a trans person on dating or hookup apps can be quite miserable, and seeing an endless sea of Insta-perfect abs totally unlike my own dad-bod was really impacting my self-image.
I took a step back from dating apps for a little bit, to work on finding validation in other parts of my life. And it took a while, but I did find it elsewhere. I find validation from the cherished friendships I share, from professional development, and from developing as a sportsman. I know I’m a valuable person and that people find me attractive, and knowing those things makes it far easier to use dating apps for dating and cruising apps for cruising, rather than wanting some kind of sign that people find me hot.
4- I suggest meeting up far sooner
I know that it’s far easier to talk online (until conversation fades out…) than it is to actually ask somebody on a date a lot of the time, and I historically have been very bad at actually taking the step of asking people to go on a date. But this is something I’ve been specifically trying to change in my behaviour. I’ve found that asking to meet up early means I can gauge what my chemistry actually is with somebody far sooner. Somebody who I click with very well over text and who I think looks good in pictures may be somebody I find I’m not attracted to in person.
5- I date offline too!
I will admit, this one is definitely situational.
Dating offline is far easier for people who are cis and straight than those who are trans and/or LGBQ for example, as it is for people who live in larger cities compared to smaller towns. I know dating offline isn’t an option for everyone, but it’s definitely something that has made my online cruising and dating experiences far less stressful. Knowing that I have multiple options for finding others for dating- normally people I have friends in common with and meet at social events, but I actually have flirted with somebody on the tube and got a date out of it- means that I don’t worry as much about being ‘bad’ at online dating, and I’m more willing to take the risk of making the first move or asking to meet up early.
What are some of the ways your experiences of online dating and dating/hookup apps have changed? Tell me about your experiences in the comments!
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